"Things you don't want to hear during Surgery"
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Someone call the janitor--we're going to need a mop.
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that...uh...that uh....thingie.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
- Rats, there go the lights again...
- Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em
- Everybody stand back!!! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
- What's this doing here? - That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!
- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. - Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile, Schmeril. The floor's clean, right? - Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
- Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- FIRE! FIRE!! Everyone get out!
"Secrets for a Happy Marriage"
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
In-Laws
A young man asked a rich old man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said this: "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 PM for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Important lessons from the movies.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk them down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before then.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language, a German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Breeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: ENTER PASSWORD NOW
Cars that crash will always burst into flames.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Yankee Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
The green wire disarms them.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you're visiting.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the dance steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any alien civilization.
Passwords are guessed in three attempts.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage and nobody involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment and it is not necessary to listen to the complete news bulletin!!
Actual Sentences
Sentences taken from actual letters received by the local Welfare Department from applicants.
* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I have 7, but one was baptized on half a sheet of paper.
* I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
* I cannot get sick pay. I have 6 children. Can you tell me why?
* I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.
* This is my 8th child. What are you going to do about it?
* Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I now live with can't eat or do anything until he knows.
* I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son as illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
* In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 3 children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.
* My husband got his project cut off 2 weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
* Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
* You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?
* I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.
* In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
Little Johnny
It's graduation day at the elementary school in Los Angeles, and everybody's waiting to get their diplomas. Everybody but Little Johnny. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Johnny graduate; let Johnny graduate!" The principal agrees to give Johnny one last chance. "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Johnny, how many apples do I have?" he asked. Johnny thought long and hard and then said "Ten." Hearing the answer the entire senior class stood up and shouted, "Give Johnny another chance; give Johnny another chance!"
Love, Before and After
Before And After Falling In Love....
B - You take my breath away
A - I feel like I'm suffocating
B - She says she loves the way I take control of the situation
A - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac
B - Saturday Night Fever
A - Monday Night Football
B - He makes me feel like a million dollars
A - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
B - The Sound of Music
A - The Sound of Silence
B - It's like I'm in a dream
A - It's like he's in my nightmare
B - $60/dozen
A - $1.50/stem
B - We agree on everything!
A - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
B - Charming and Noble
A - Chernobyl
B - Ideal
A - Idle
B - He's completely lost without me
A - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
B - Time stood still
A - This relationship is going nowhere
B - Croissant and cappuccino
A - Bagel and instant
B - Blind
A - Nearsighted
B - Oysters
A - Fish sticks
B - I can hardly believe we found each other
A - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you!
