Article 2

Can't get worse than this!

 

I visited Mars last Saturday.

There was nothin' there 'cept for rocks and hills... so i slept cuz it was boring. When I woke up I was surrounded by little green men. They were round and gluey, sticky and squeaky. I started using sign language to explain I was hungry. I pointed to my stomach and my mouth and made some weird munching sounds... they all stared at me . I finally said 'i'm hungry u martians!'. In a thick French accent one of them said to me, ' Monseiur, would you like ze caviarre with light sauce sprinkled wiz a tinge of ginger along with a steak or try ze sesame roll delite dipped in garlic paste and wine? '

I said I'd like both. So a martian said ' then go back to earth, dumb earthling ' and he zapped me with his laser gun. I woke up in Hong Kong.

A little girl was standing next to me. I said 'hou-chou-sin-chin'. Suddenly her dad appeared from the door with this rifle and pointed it at me saying, 'hou-chou-sin-chin? ' . I said ' ching-chung-ping-pong '. He smiled and gave me a table tennis bat. I said 'thanks but no thanks'....after saying that I was confused whether I could take the bat or not. So I logged on to the Net and went to www.manners.com . I went to the Frequently Asked Questions section and clicked on the first question which was ' Is it good manners to accept a table-tennis bat from a rifle-holding-middle-aged man in Hong Kong? '

It said that the server crashed due to excessive hits to that question... darn.

I took them out for a treat that day. I asked them what they'd like to have and they said ' It's really your choice'. So I ordered beans for them and had a 14 course meal myself. I thanked them a lot in the end for coming. They thanked me too. They had to, I mean I gave them the treat right ?

The waiter came with the bill and I looked at him and said I can't pay cuz I don't have the money. He smiled, removed his waiter hat and apron , and gave it to me. He said he'll take the week off and that I would find the kitchen straight ahead...and that the soap was on the left sink and the scrub was on the right . I said ' Thanks but no thanks....' . I asked them for a laptop immediately and logged on to www.whatintheworldcomesafterthanksbutnothanks.com . I clicked on the first question which read ' If a waiter in Hong Kong gives you his apron, his hat and tells you the way to the kitchen, what should you do? '. The monitor burst at that very instant . The entire cooking staff took a month's holiday .

I went to the boss and said 'Shi-Un-Pon-Chen-Fin'. He fired me.

I heard a big blast behind me and some shouting so I ran to see what it was. There was a big riot with everyone throwing stones at the policemen. These policemen had this huge armour and helmets and shields and tear gas guns... and the poor rioters had only stones. I decided it wasn't a fair fight so I walked up to the policeman and gave him a lecture about the laws of equality and justice. He got psyched and walked away.

I got psyched too. So I picked up the tear gas guns and started firing. Thats when I realised I didn't have the gas mask on. So I held my breath and closed my eyes and started running. I fell in a sewer and another little green man picked me up. He said his name was Raphael ... so I asked him, ' Where's Michaelangelo? ' He said , ' Your what? ' . This wasn't happening again. So I called up April O Neil on my cell phone and asked her for a date. She said ' May 2nd, 1842'. I said , 'Busy' and hung up.

I went up the drain and saw people singing. It was Bon Jovi's ' It's my life' . So I jumped over the bridge, caught a garbage truck, ran for half the day and reached this long tunnel. There was some strange white light on the other side of the tunnel. And it felt good to look at the white light. I heard a voice saying' Follow the light, my child'.

I've decided to visit the sun next Tuesday.